Two Things...............

The F-word. And coffee.
(this post is not for younger viewers.)
What is it about that one dirty word that makes it so versatile? As i've worked on my new job for the last week i've seen it used as a verb, adjective, noun, pro-noun and any other f****n thing you can imagine. I've realized why some despise it, its a form of poetry. The poor man's verse. And in this sense William Shakespeare has nothing on my old friend Quentin Tarantino. When said word comes in the place of pauses and um's and oh's you know you've arrived.....
But Where airick you may ask?
Where have I arrived?'
I'll tell you where. To quote the great advocate of the f-word Dane Cook "You've driven straight in to F***ville" Population one bitches.
So we ask ourselves........... How did we come to these crossroads? A word so flexible it can be placed anywhere in the english language and still come out alright? Well you've come to the right place because this cowboy here is just bored enough to have researched it. Are you ready children? Nod your head yes.....
The F-word does not come from what most believe are common acronyms. I.E. Fornication Under Consent of the King, Forced Unlawful Carnal Knowledge (interestingly enough this was supposedly used in Scotland yard to file rape cases.) and so many others. While this may seem cool to most, I decided to dig further and my friends and snopes.com have helped me out. Snicker if you may, but this site is the f****n bomb. Here's what they have come up with
The word in question has several different etymologies cited i'll list just a few.
Middle Dutch-Fokken-"to thrust, copulate with"
Indo-European-Peuk-"To Prick"
Swedish-Focka-"To strike, push or copulate."
Those are just a few but you can begin to see the beginnings of this monster word. But how did it go from describing a form of copulation to the verbal chameleon it is today? What route did society take to make it such a commonplace word? Where I come from this word was a taboo used by high school kids for shock factor and from my dad to describe how f****n pissed he was. But when we see the word in its origins it started out the same as a word the same as push.
Please allow me to let a scene play out in your mind. Two young men are arguing and if we use the word as it was once meant to be it takes on a whole new meaning.
Boy 1: Man get out of my face, or i'm going to focka you.
Boy 2: You think i'm scared go ahead focka me.
Boy 1: Focka you?
Boy2: Yeah Focka Me.
See absolutley harmless.
Now one common denominator between the progeny's of this word i've noticed (not always but ninety nine point nine percent of the time) is the coffee mug glued securely to the hand. Who needs lifelock to keep your info safe? I'm putting all my valuables in the nearest coffee drinkers mug. That thing will never leave their sight, you're in good hands with a coffee drinker. The C.E.O. of folgers recently stopped by our job and shook everyone's hands but mine. What the f**k right? So as he was stepping into his car I took him aside and said "Hey man, seriously not cool. Why didn't you shake my hand? Does my light skin offend you?" He replied "Son, take a look at your hands," i quickly peered down, " you see...... both of your hands are free. And a man with both hands free is no friend of mine."
What a douche. For real. So I took my time and started watching these coffee drinkers. Looking for little things to peg down on them. Things to hold against them, I myself being a Mt. Dew drinker and subject to much scrutiny, figured i'd turn the heat back on them. And aside from the fact that if they had to choose between saving a school bus filled with handicap children from drowning in the river, or keep their coffee mug from tipping over, and would choose the mug everytime, I only found one thing......... One teensy thing that I can hold against them. You want to know what it is?????????? I know you're dying with anticipation............... Okay here it is. YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF ASSHOLES UNTIL YOU'VE HAD YOUR F****N COFFEE. My goodness, you'd think you were coming out of detox after a two year bender. CALM DOWN! Please my sanity is at stake. I'm sorry your coffee maker broke this morning so you couldn't have your typical eight mugs before work. But........... Does that give you the right to start up Hitler's Final Solution at FIVE THIRTY IN THE ANTE-MERIDIAN?!?!?!?!?! Pull the stick out of your rectum and take a step back....... How do you feel about seeing yourself behave like a child? I hope you've learned your lesson. What is it about coffee that leaves you so universally connected to the F-word? I've met many coffee drinkers who don't say it often. But i've never met a native speaker of f***anese who doesn't drink coffee. Is it something in the word that makes the synapses in your brain fire and say "Gosh Damn........... I could use a f***in cup of french f***in roast this mother f***in morning. F**k." Every time you say it does the craving get worse? Like a crack addict walking down a gravel road? "Good garbage there are rocks everywhere," the poor guy thinks. I know not the answer. But like a midget at a urinal i'll keep on my toes and find out. And keep you, the wonderful public informed of any new findings i may have............ Now I f***in need a f***in dew. I'm f***in jonesin in this mother f****r.