Letter to Damon Yummy.

(Or the channel 13 weather guy to all of you layman.)

Damon,

First off I wish to thank you for a few things:

!: Thanks for making all the cheesy jokes about weather that all the viewers already know you're going to make.

@: Thanks for.............. that's all i've got.

Now, onto the meat of why i'm here.

Sir, I want you to know that i've been monitoring your weather predictions over the last few weeks. I can almost say i've been nigh unto faithful to the words that you have said. I walk a fine line when i put so much trust in what one man has to say. But, as I have monitored your predictions and kept track, you have a track record of being less than forty percent right. FORTY PERCENT DAMON! In vegas you'd be a losing man. If I were a pit boss, my bookies would have already broken your legs, And we'd have your first born child as collateral for all the money you owe the casino.

Granted Mr. Yummy, Mother Nature is a cold hearted woman, and when she's cycling we know what to expect. Unpredictable conditions, and mood swings on a grand scale. But this is no excuse for you. None, whatsoever. You and your meteorology degree. Your expensive "Doppler Radar". I think, to quote the ever amazing Miss Trunchbull, that you are nothing more than a dirty SNEAK THIEF. All the money that Fox 13 is putting into your weather equipment, at least my theory would be, is going to cheap thrills, and a massive drug habit. Why else would you never wear a tie to work?! Yes i called you on it. In the weeks that i've watched Damon, you have never wore a tie. Is it possibly because your body is over heating from the mass amounts of ecstasy you've taken?! Perhaps the puddles of meth you and your co-anchors smoked before the show have you a bit sweaty. But i'm not here to call you out on your personal life, no sir. I'm just here to point out the large discrepancy in your "Weather Predictions." Do you just wake up on sunday morning and say "Okay Utah here's your seven day forecast." I submit that that is the case.

Might I suggest a new career? Come and work the blue collar circuit, join the ranks of the great unwashed. Just one week Mr. Yummy, just one week. And I promise you that you will see how much we rely on such a feeble science as "Meteorology." Maybe then you'll think twice about shacking up with your co-anchor and getting lit the night before, and put a little more thought into what you call "The Forecast."

Damon, I thank you for your time. Please give my words a bit of consideration. If you're average raises above fifty percent in the next month or so, I swear to all that is holy, I'll send you a fruit basket and a tie.

God Bless and Good Luck,

Eric Wiscombe.

P.S. If it drops below forty, you better be careful cause my bookies will be on the way.

A few things.................

First off,

I'm terrible at being regular at these things. Absolutely terrible.

Second,

There are moments when things strike me that i wish to write about. and nine times out ten, I don't. So what i share is usually the product of several ideas meshed together in an altogether unnatural way that makes me people say , "What the hell was he thinking?" Answer: I don't even know myself.

Third,

IT'S BEEN A MONUMENTALLY CRAZY WEEK. (just thought i'd share that.)

A few more things:

I think i have a man crush on Tim Burton.

I appreciate my Dad's supreme knowledge of EVERYTHING. (even if its crazy.)

I can't figure out why I've not been able to finish a book these last few weeks. I'm never incomplete in my reading and its becoming a nasty habit.

I've developed a firm affinity for Gingers. In a way i never thought possible. (LOOK OUT EMERALD ISLE! i'm comin atcha.)

I'm ready for Alec to come home. (sounds gay and incestuous but its true.)

I've completely lost the ability to pick up on social cues. It makes social interaction a task and a half. Where i think i may know something i open my mouth and find i know nothing. It makes me look like a fool, and cause sincere grief to those who have to hear it. (My deepest apologies on those ones. oooopps.)

On a happier note:

The olympics start soon. Time for mindless voyeuristic pleasure. Who knows, if i play my cards right, i may be able to get My boss to switch the radio from 101.9 the end for a day or two to tune in. (Most likely not.)

KYLE IS GETTING BAPTIZED! hooray KYLE!

I've almost returned to speaking normal language.

Work is great.

And, Life is just GREAT! Isn't it always though if we keep the right mindset?

good luck this week

Pants

( Before beginning I would like to say I have no problem with pants. No squabbles, issues, or qualms whatsoever. Although the following, may make it seem like pants are at the core of all my issues. )

These last couple of weeks have been quite odd in the world of Wiscombe. For those of you who don't know me i've just recently returned home for serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in Omaha, Nebraska. Quite the adjustment, much more so than I thought it would be. The pause button that is placed on your life for two years, the complete freeze that takes place on your life for 730 days, is suddenly thawed. They hit the play button in a huge way, not only play, but fast forward to catch up. Every decision, from the most minute, to the most life altering, are set before you with thirty seconds to answer each. Questions that should not be answered without the utmost deliberation, so much so that if you were to be carved in the act of pondering it, you'd probably come out looking like The Thinker, are answered and out of your head faster than a speeding bullet.
Now i've not handled this as gracefully, elegantly, or with near as much poise as I would like. As a matter of fact, its made me question as to whether or not I know myself as well as I think. Which creates an identity crisis as large as Powers Boothe's forehead, and anxiety that feels as though i've got every railcar from the Union Pacific railroad lines running on my chest. As i've been trudging through this emotional cesspool, It hasn't been too hard to push it off and turn off my brain so I can sleep. But that all changed December 31st.
As I laid my head to sleep, I crashed harder than the Hindenberg and it seemed as though i'd sleep sounder than Rip Van Winkle. But an hour after i'd been sleeping, I woke with my brain in full swing, processing info faster than an auctioneer can speak. All the key decisions for young adults (i.e. What should I do for school? Should I go to school? How can I support myself and a family when the time comes? How can i be successful in my life's pursuits? Who's better superman or batman? Conservative or Liberal? How do I find that one person, the one where my soul recognizes its counterpart in another? How will I live so that I make the best impact on the world that I can? How do I best help the people around me?) piled on at once. A tight sharp pain started in my chest, and quickly magnified into something I imagine a heart attack victim might feel. Thousands of sharp needles, on again, then off for a moments reprieve, then back again with the vengeance of an angry ex-mother in law. Shallow breathing, almost like i'd just finished the Iron Man Triathalon with a small midget and three asians on my back. All the while, pivotal crossroad life decisions screaming across my conscious and subconscious brain like they were broadcasted out of a bullhorn. Most definetly one of the craziest moments of my life.
But just as I was about to lose my head to insanity, a fleeting thought crossed my mind. It started small, then in low, and then (as Dr. Suess would say) it started to grow.
.......take off your p.j's..............
..................take off your p.j's..................
........................Take oFf your Pants..................
..............................Take ofF youR PANts........................
......................................TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS....................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now this may sound sick, nigh unto perverted, but as I grabbed for the pull cord of the pajamas i was wearing, the needles started to subside. I stretched the waistband and tugged them low, and the breathing deepened, and as soon as the final piece of fabric cleared my pinky toes, it all seemed to disappear. I sat in my bed in my underwear and marveled at how quickly the pain was taken away. It was like all of my earthly concerns were wrapped around me in fleece fabric, and tied neatly. I firmly believe that this was an instance that no matter how crazy it may be, when we are prompted to do something, and we act instantly, we receive blessings that we are in dire need of. It can be anything, a feeling to go to the grocery store for something someone needed, or a go check on grandma, or a TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS feeling. But if it won't hurt you, and won't lead to anything bad, you can be sure it comes from the Almighty and should act on it. Since that night, i've felt wonderful and the home adjustment has completely taken over. I don't feel awkward and i've got some ideas as to what i should do with myself. I know i'll be taken care of and that's all i need to know. I've been able to clear my head and set some goals and get comfortable again in my own skin. So listen closely to your heart folks, and remember what Babe Ruth says to Benny Rodriguez, " Follow your heart kid, and you can never go wrong." Even if your heart happens to tell you strip down to your skivvies.